There’s no better way to bring back my totally useless blog series, Face-Rocking Covers, than the first day of this most momentous week: IRON MAN WEEK YAY! Obviously, we’ll be taking a look at some of ol’ Shellhead’s old face-rocking comic book covers. The Invincible One didn’t catch the fancy of the general public until the movie was announced, which baffles me since Iron Man is one rockin’ mofo. Observe:
One of the most suspenseful covers ever. Seriously. It’s a dude trying to get his normal clothes off and desperately trying to put on his suit of armor… WHILE FALLING TO HIS CERTAIN DEATH! If only he thought of bringing this thing called a “parachute”.
Introducing: Iron Man’s Space Armor for Outer Space Action! Also known as The Iron Fat Suit.
Iron Man has one of the most dangerous villains in the Marvel Universe as an arch-enemy: The Mandarin! He’s so dangerous, the only way he knows how to unmask someone is to grow to gigantic proportions and shoot them IN THE FACE with one of his alien Rings of Power.
How do you defeat a menace called “The Punisher from Beyond”? Iron Man knows! Punch the sucka in the balls!
Can you think of another superhero who can say that he’s fought a red ghost, a couple of super-apes, and a unicorn all at the same time? I don’t think so!
You tell that Negative Nancy who’s boss, Tony! Go kick Ultimo’s ass with your armor that looks like a ruined Halloween costume made of cloth!
Now this is what a superhuman battle should look like! A monstrous freak throwing a car with people still in it at Iron Man! And what does Shellhead do? HE PUNCHES THE SUMMBITCH!
Um, Tony? He’s called “The Monster of DEATH”. I don’t think you’d want to find out why, you idiot.
Now there’s a believable explanation why Iron Man can sometimes be a total douche. He was an alcoholic. As many awesome stories the current Iron Man writers can come up with, I think “Demon in a Bottle” will always be the first thing in fans’ minds when it comes to the Golden Avenger.
I think Tony Stark was so deep into his alcoholism, even his comic’s editors wanted him to stop. Hence, the ultimatum: SOBER UP OR DIE!
What a quitter, this Tony Stark guy is. Fortunately, he came to his senses and vowed never again to give up on–
DAMMIT!
Well, there you go. With all this awesomeness, it boggles the mind why it took a very long time before people started to realize that Iron Man can rock people’s faces as hard as the next superguy. I hope we all learned our lessons here: If you defeat alien menaces by punching them in the balls, you’re just golden!
Drop by Cinemabuzz and Comicology for more Iron Man Week goodness!
- Face-Rocking Covers #4: Green Lantern
- Face-Rocking Covers #6: Birds of Prey
- Face-Rocking Covers #1: Transformers
- Face-Rocking Covers #5: The Hulk
- Face-Rocking Covers #3: Thor
- Thor: God of Metal
- Face-Rocking Covers #7: What If? & What The–?!
- Face-Rocking Covers #2: Uncanny X-Men
- Ten Reasons Why IRON MAN: DOOMQUEST Rocks Face
- Face-Rocking Covers #10: Crisis on Infinite Earths
28 Apr 08 10:16 am
I have nothing intelligent to add to this except that Stark’s classic armor looks silly.
28 Apr 08 1:10 pm
I fucking love Tony’s classic armor. That’s the armor Iron Man was really known for, and it should be known as THE armor.
He recently pulled that thing out in the most recent storyline.
28 Apr 08 3:52 pm
Nothing against the old armor, but I think the more recent Adi Granov one looks best.
28 Apr 08 4:33 pm
Personally I like Whilce Portacio"s version, but Adi Granov"s design is also cool